What's different...really

I recently wrote a post about how much has changed in just the past year. Today I am feeling a bit less optimistic. I having been trying to figure out how I have actually changed in the past 2 1/2 years.

Since I entered college, I have dyed my hair red, back to blonde, got it cut, and dyed it blue. I have eaten unhealthy, gained weight, exercised, lost weight, tried to walk more, used a calorie counter, stopped using it, gained weight, etc. I have lived in 3 different dorms at school, had different roommates, different classes, and so on. I have started watching new shows, listened to new songs, ate a different restaurants. I have even gone to other cities, regions, and countries! But what has it all meant to me? It's not enough for me to feel different when I am abroad...I have to take that feeling and become who I want to be everyday. Surround myself with the right people, energy, and love to be the best I can be. But how do I do that? Am I already doing that...but have to take the bad days with the good?

I started thinking about this after recently hanging out with a friend I haven't seen since freshman year. I sat in my dorm with my friends thinking...thinking about how we all seemed somehow the same but a bit bored. I wondered what he thought of us. Had he noticed my boredom? Had he seen the changes I thought that had occurred since we last saw each other 2 years or did he just see the same freshman but with different hair and different clothes watching new shows?

I probably will never get the answers to those questions, but does it really matter? And I guess I am also trying to figure it out if it is a bad thing if I am the same person doing slightly different things with a slightly different look. Isn't that how a person is supposed to change? Slowly until they finally reach their goals? Or maybe I am looking wayyyyyyy to into this and I only felt the same because I suddenly fell into my old self, the self I remembered being when I was around this person freshman year.

This is a horrible post. It probably doesn't make any sense to you, but it has helped me organize my thoughts. And it has made me realize I need to give myself more credit..I just forget the person I was before. I think of the past and I put my present self in it when that isn't the case.


PHEW...this has really pushed me out of the horrible mood I was in 10 minutes ago.